Sheffield to Doncaster – How To Chat Up t’Lasses

Sheffield to Doncaster on the X78 – March 2009
At the back of the bus upstairs sat a group of lads aged 16 to 17. I know how old they were because they talked among themselves about it. They had all left school, and possibly were travelling to Doncaster for some sort of college course. The entire journey, the lads spent discussing the best way to chat up t’ lasses.
Of course all of their conjecture was just that: conjecture, for they didn’t really know the answer. They thought it might be productive to try: ‘Do you fancy a burger?’, but then thought that might need some sort of lead-in. One of them was insistent that in his experience the way that always worked was quite simple: you just ask t’ lass outright for her telephone number. But the others were suspicious, and said yeah, but have you tried ringing the number she gives you? You’ll probably be asking someone’s granny out for a date, and the chap who had put forward this idea admitted that he hadn’t.
They generally agreed that if you can make t’ lass laugh, even if it involves making a bit of a fool of yourself, then you’re in with quite a good chance.
One of them warned against using the word, luv, because ‘it sounds too gay’. But one of the others disagreed, saying that he thought that you could do that OK in Yorkshire, that it was so typically Yorkshire that it wouldn’t be misconstrued. He was quite seriously firm about this.
They also discussed the exchange of photographs over the mobile phone. There was some talk about a girl they all knew called Kelly, whom they seemed to hold in some degree of awe for some reason I couldn’t quite fathom, and one of them had said that he had sent her a photograph of himself and she had responded by asking him to: ‘Take off your boxers and send another’, to which he said he’d told her: ‘No way!’, ‘No way – photo would be round t’school in minutes. No way!’
But then they were 16–17, would he have removed his boxers if he were 11 or 12? Actually, I doubt it. I suspect he wasn’t much less clued up about the dangers of sending photos of yourself to schoolfriends then either.


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